daily musings...

the main reason after all, is my inept want to be loved and be liked.

i am taking summer classes this term because i convinced myself i needed to eliminate unnecessary arts subjects in my next regular semester so that i could concentrate on my major subjects. i convinced myself that it would be less fun doing absolutely nothing than taking classes. i convinced myself that having friends also taking summer classes removes the thought of a boring summer term.

i had it all wrong.

my friends introduced to me the idea of taking up summer classes. before that, i never even knew summer classes was a requirement for some, a choice for others. i imagined the summer term as remedial classes for the intellectually impoverished students.

i had it all wrong.

i never entertained any thought of taking up summer classes. that was, until my friends decided to take them.

i was on autopilot. when they asked me if i would enroll too, i automatically said yes without due thinking.

that was when i convinced myself how important it is for me to take up summer classes. that was when i fooled myself.

5 weeks into the term, i finally understood why...

i want to be liked...

if i would've said no, i feel my friends would've treated me differently.

paranoia.

it was a subtle pinch of that dreadful feeling. i didn't want it. i didn't like it. i asked for it.

but in the end, who cares?