I need a cheer up :'(

I keep fooling myself. I always tell myself that everything is going to be okay when it won't because I've already done the worst thing possible in my life. I keep trying to push it to the back of my mind hoping that I will never remember that part of my life but how can I when it was perfect?

I've seen what my future could've become with her. It was all that mattered to me, it still does but it's different now. Biggest mistake of my life? No question.

My perspective of my future has changed. I don't even know if I have a future. When I think about my future, it's all retarded and shit, being all alone.

I have nobody I can do things for, nobody to try to impress, nobody to make me smile. I've tried moving on and dating others but I can't seem to get past some things. I feel like I've been programmed to exist with and along her and it just doesn't work with somebody else. Every time I do certain things with someone, I remember her and how that particular thing I did made her smile and laugh - and that just brings up this massive whole in my chest.

There's no point. My life is pointless. No point anymore.

And I guess life goes on for everybody, including me. I had the chance but I let it slip away. It's all my fault and I will live with that.


I will always have me to pat myself on the back.

giving "I Who Have Nothing" an all-new meaning

So here's the story. I'm now at the last stretch of my year-long jibun de yatte, or self-adventure in the land of the mega earthquakes setting sun. And here's what has been keeping me away from this blog. I am lost. I lost my voice. I lost who I was. I lost the one thing I already knew was right.

Some people go on an adventure like this to "find themselves." At the back of my cojones, I somewhat had that vague idea that I would get to know me at that deep, spiritual, intra-personal level. I guess it didn't work for me.What a crappy truckload of shit. I can't even write a decent blogpost because I don't know how to anymore. The way I think now too is different. Thoughts do not roll out the way they used to. It took 2 hours for me to come up with the few sentences I've written above, and most of those minutes were spent staring at the laptop screen, listless. And then my mind wandered away. I feel like I'm dumbed down.

-The End-
fuck.

今日、やばいやばいやばい！

僕の時計は止まっちゃたので、起きなかった! 問題だよ。。本当に問題。それだから、授業に一時間以上遅いた。その前、十時になったと思っていました。でも、時計を見たら、それから、携帯電話の時間も見たら、違いました。僕は授業に急ぎで行った。

変ですね。とても変な経験だね。。

ᜐᜒ ᜊᜏᜎ᜔ ᜋᜐᜊᜒ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜉᜅᜎᜈ᜔

(If you are seeing boxes, download the Baybayin fonts here. I recommend the tagalog stylized 1992)

ᜊᜓᜆᜒ ᜈᜋᜈ᜔ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜄᜓᜋᜈ ᜈ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜊᜌ᜔ᜊᜌᜒᜈ᜔ ᜈ ᜉᜄ᜔ᜐᜓᜐᜓᜎᜆ᜔ ᜇᜒᜆᜓ᜶ ᜃᜌ ᜅᜌᜓᜈ᜔ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜐᜒᜈᜒᜋᜓᜎᜈ᜔ ᜃᜓ ᜈ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜉᜄ᜔ᜐᜓᜐᜓᜎᜆ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜃ᜔ᜏᜒᜈ᜔ᜆᜓ ᜃᜓ ᜐ ᜏᜒᜃᜅ᜔ ᜉᜒᜎᜒᜉᜒᜈᜓ᜶

ᜊᜆ ᜉ ᜎᜅ᜔ ᜀᜃᜓ ᜀᜎᜋ᜔ ᜃᜓ ᜈ ᜈ ᜋᜒᜇ᜔ᜌᜓ ᜈᜄ᜔ᜃᜃᜄᜓᜐ᜔ᜆᜓ ᜀᜃᜓ ᜐ ᜋᜅ ᜎᜎᜃᜒ᜶ ᜒᜐ ᜐ ᜋᜅ ᜎᜎᜃᜒᜅ᜔ ᜀᜃᜒᜅ᜔ ᜉᜒᜈᜉᜈ᜔ᜆᜐ᜔ᜌᜑᜈ᜔ ᜈᜓᜂᜈ᜔ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜀᜃᜒᜅ᜔ ᜉᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔᜶ ᜑᜒᜈ᜔ᜇᜒ ᜐᜒᜌ ᜋᜐ᜔ᜌᜇᜓᜅ᜔ ᜃᜄ᜔ᜏᜉᜓᜑᜈ᜔ ᜅᜓᜈᜒᜆ᜔ ᜈᜉᜃᜎᜃᜐ᜔ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜇᜆᜒᜅ᜔᜶ ᜐᜒ ᜃᜓᜌ ᜉᜂᜎᜓ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜎᜊᜒᜅ᜔ᜏᜎᜓᜅ᜔ ᜆᜂᜈ᜔ ᜈ ᜈᜓᜅ᜔ ᜀᜃᜓ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜎᜊᜒᜈ᜔ᜇᜎᜏᜅ᜔ ᜆᜂᜈ᜔ ᜉ ᜎᜋᜅ᜔᜶ ᜆᜓᜏᜒᜅ᜔ ᜈᜐ ᜊᜑᜌ᜔ ᜃᜋᜒ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜀᜋᜒᜅ᜔ ᜎᜓᜎ᜵ ᜃᜓᜅ᜔ ᜐᜀᜈ᜔ ᜈᜃᜆᜒᜍ ᜍᜒᜈ᜔ ᜐᜒᜎ᜵ ᜈᜃᜒᜃᜒᜆ ᜃᜓ ᜐᜒᜌᜅ᜔ ᜏᜎᜅ᜔ ᜉᜅ ᜁᜆᜀᜐ᜔ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜈᜃ ᜋᜐᜒᜒᜃᜒᜉ᜔ ᜈ ᜋᜂᜅ᜔        ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜑᜅ᜔ᜄᜅ᜔ ᜆᜓᜑᜓᜇ᜔᜶ ᜊᜃᜆ᜔ ᜈ ᜊᜃᜆ᜔ ᜇᜓᜈ᜔ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜋᜎᜎᜃᜒᜅ᜔ ᜋᜀᜐ᜔ᜎ᜔ᜐ᜔ ᜐ ᜑᜒᜆ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜊᜓᜃᜓᜎ᜔᜵ ᜃᜒᜆᜅ᜔ ᜃᜒᜆ ᜍᜒᜈ᜔ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜋᜆᜒᜉᜓᜈᜓᜅ᜔ ᜇᜒᜊ᜔ᜇᜒᜊ᜔᜶ ᜋᜉᜓᜆᜒ ᜐᜒ ᜃᜓᜌ ᜉᜂᜎᜓ᜵ ᜋᜅ 5 9 ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜆᜀᜐ᜔᜵ ᜋᜃᜒᜈᜒᜐ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜃᜓᜆᜒᜐ᜔ ᜐ ᜃᜆᜏᜈ᜔ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜉᜒᜈ᜔ᜃᜒᜐ᜔ᜑ᜔ ᜀᜅ᜔ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜓᜆᜓᜅ᜔᜶ ᜏᜎ ᜐᜒᜌᜅ᜔ ᜋᜐ᜔ᜌᜇᜓᜅ᜔ ᜊᜓᜑᜓᜃ᜔ ᜐ ᜇᜒᜊ᜔ᜇᜒᜊ᜔ ᜅᜓᜈᜒᜆ ᜋᜊᜎᜑᜒᜊᜓ ᜐᜒᜌ ᜐ ᜑᜒᜆ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜐ ᜁᜎᜎᜒᜋ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜉᜓᜐᜓᜇ᜔ ᜈ ᜆᜒᜎ ᜆᜓᜋᜓᜆᜓᜎᜓᜌ᜔ ᜐ ᜃᜈ᜔ᜌᜅ᜔ ᜊᜓᜎ᜔ᜊᜓᜎ᜔᜶

ᜋᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜈᜃᜒᜃᜒᜉᜄ᜔ᜎᜍᜓ ᜐᜒᜌ ᜐ ᜀᜋᜒᜅ᜔ ᜋᜄ᜔ᜉᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔᜶ ᜋᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜈᜄ᜔ᜑᜑᜊᜓᜎᜈ᜔ ᜃᜋᜒ ᜐ ᜎᜊᜐ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜊᜑᜌ᜔ ᜈᜒᜎ᜶ ᜈᜀᜄ᜔ᜆᜆᜄᜓᜀᜈ᜔᜶ ᜈᜄ᜔ᜉᜉᜐᜑᜈ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜊᜓᜎ᜶ ᜈᜄ᜔ ᜂᜂᜅ᜔ᜄᜓᜌ᜔ ᜂᜅᜄᜓᜌᜈ᜔᜵ ᜎᜍᜓ ᜐ cards ᜈ ᜃᜓᜅ᜔ ᜐᜒᜈᜓᜅ᜔ ᜋᜆᜎᜓ ᜉᜉᜑᜒᜍᜈ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜉᜓᜎ᜔ᜊᜓᜐ᜔ ᜐ ᜋᜓᜃ᜔ᜑ᜶ ᜑᜊᜅ᜔ ᜐᜒᜌ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜈᜃᜒᜃᜒᜉᜄ᜔ᜎᜍᜓ ᜐ ᜀᜋᜒᜈ᜔᜵ ᜑᜎᜆᜅ᜔ ᜑᜎᜆ ᜋᜓ ᜈ ᜉᜍᜅ᜔ ᜉᜒᜈᜀᜄ᜔ᜊᜒᜄ᜔ᜌᜈ᜔ ᜈᜒᜌ ᜃᜋᜒᜅ᜔ ᜋᜅ ᜋᜐ᜔ ᜈᜃᜊᜊᜆ ᜈᜒᜌᜅ᜔ ᜉᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔᜵ ᜃᜐᜒ ᜅ ᜈᜋᜈ᜔ ᜋᜐ᜔ ᜋᜆᜈ᜔ᜇ ᜈ ᜐᜒᜌ᜔ ᜐ ᜀᜋᜒᜈ᜔᜶ ᜈᜀᜎᜎ ᜃᜓ᜵ ᜈᜓᜂᜈ᜔᜵ ᜃᜉᜄ᜔ ᜈᜃᜒᜃᜒᜉᜄ᜔ᜎᜍᜓ ᜐ ᜀᜋᜒᜈ᜔ ᜐᜒ ᜃᜓᜌ ᜉᜂ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜋᜇᜎᜐ᜔ ᜈᜒᜌ ᜀᜃᜓᜅ᜔ ᜉᜊᜒᜍᜓᜅ ᜑᜓᜑᜓᜊᜍᜈ᜔ ᜈᜅ᜔ ᜀᜃᜒᜅ᜔        ᜃᜉᜄ᜔ ᜈᜄ᜔ᜑᜑᜊᜓᜎᜈ᜔ ᜃᜋᜒᜅ᜔ ᜋᜄ᜔ᜉᜒᜉᜒᜈ᜔ᜐᜈ᜔᜶ ᜈᜁᜁᜈᜒᜐ᜔ ᜀᜃᜓ ᜐ ᜄᜒᜈᜄᜏ ᜈᜒᜌᜅ᜔ ᜌᜓᜈ᜔ ᜀᜆ᜔ ᜊᜎᜅ᜔ ᜀᜍᜏ᜔ ᜀᜌ᜔ ᜄᜄᜈ᜔ᜆᜒ ᜍᜒᜈ᜔ ᜀᜃᜓ᜶ ᜑᜒᜑᜒᜑᜒ

私の将来

私は、将来、科学者になりたいと思っています。子供の時、いつも私は山に登ったり、海に泳ぎに行ったりしました。父は私に冒険を見せて、連れて行きました。私たちは毎週、海に行って、スノーケルをしました。水面下で本当にきれいな景色がありました。コーラルと魚はとても色彩に富んでいました。山に登った時、時々私たちは湖を見つけました。冒険は痛快だし、面白いし、楽しかった。ですから、科学者になりたいと思っています。


今、私は日本で日本語と生物を勉強しています。この経験は私が科学者になるのを手伝うと思います。それから、卒業の論文のために、私は試験に応募しています。貰うように、私が早く応募してもいいと思っています。その他にも、ボランティアしなくてはいけません。学生の間に、たくさんボランティアをしてみたいです。ボランティアは必要なことだと思います。最近、私は生物について本を読んだり、生物について面白いことを見つけたりしています。動物の中で、私は海の動物が一番好きです。自分の国に帰る時、スクバダイビングをするつもりです。これも必要なことと思います。


今、私は留学生です。留学しているのは本当にいいと思います。でも、留学しているのは高くつくことができます。私は去年に留学すればよかった。


私の夢幻を起こったら、、いつも私は嬉しくて、大学で働きます。そして、絶滅危惧種をたすきます。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　以上です。

I hate to say it but...

Something today made me think.

The Philippines isn't the safest place in the world. I know that. Everyone knows that. I don't want to sound bad, but after having lived in Japan for quite a while now, I look at home and see a hostile world. Especially Manila. No one is safe. The only thing that saves one from being tragically murdered is overpopulation. In a scientific sense, there is safety in numbers. But still, the fact that anyone could just get stabbed seven times because a criminal wants your car, as in the case of Pilar Pilapil recently; or a maid you hired that you thought you could trust would turn against you and shoot you and your girlfriend dead in your own house and steal everything as in the case of Alexis Tioseco and Nika Bohinc; or even the occasional vehicular accident whether caused by someone's carelessness or not as in AJ Perez; is a scary thought. Dare I mention the Maguindanao massacre in Mindanao. Just look at countries in South East Asia. Comparing isn't encouraged, but if one looks at the preferences of tourists on which country to go to, the Philippines often lands around the bottom of the list. One factor is its geography. It is not nestled near any other country unlike in the Indochina region. One has to really want to go to the Philippines to get there as it requires a completely different travel approach. But more particularly, foreign tourists see it as a hostile world. How do I know? Because I've heard them talking about it. Being away from the Philippines and living in an international community has given me access to how other foreigners see my country. It has been a struggle trying to change their perspectives of a poverty-stricken, dangerous, developing country. It has been a challenge. I keep saying that that is not the general case, in fact, the Philippines is a wonderful country, and an amazing host to tourists. But then again, news of tourists robbed or mugged by hungry criminals keep on coming. When I and a couple of my friends from around the world gather, the conversation often leads to one's own countries. But nobody really cares about the Philippines that much. It could be that I am doing such a bad job at introducing it to them, but what I'm saying is they already have this preconceived idea of how it is there. When it becomes my turn to talk about the Philippines, I do not have the flurry of talking about how British people gobble down fish n' chips everyday and think it's hilarious, or say oh, you should visit Moscow and visit the Kremlin, or just be there and say I'm American and everything is understood. I usually end up teaching them the proper way of holding one's bag when walking through a crowded sidewalk or in the mall in the Philippines, or how do not talk to strangers is the golden rule on Colon street, or when I tell them that they should go to the Philippines, they would say something like wouldn't we get shot there? or something to that effect and here's me trying say that that will never happen. Of course I couldn't be sure. I know this isn't only limited to the Philippines but the image of the Philippines to some isn't pretty. Not even the amazing beauty of a scenic Palawan beach can overlap the strong image of a mega-capital surrounded by hectares of rundown shanties with dangerous neighborhoods. Not even the enticement of a lovely dive adventure can erase the image of a completely random foreigner like Nika Bohinc shot multiple times. I remember in one of my CWTS classes, the Dumaguete chief of police was invited to give the lecture. I clearly remember the topic: How to be unpredictable so as not to be a target of criminals. He mentioned about incorporating in your weekly routine a constant change in the time you get out of the house, the time you get in, and the route you take so as not to become a potential victim for criminals who often look for patterns to predict your next move. I never really gave it much thought until I realized that we were taught how to evade criminals in our day to day lives! In Japan, nobody bothers about such things. Heck, one can frolic in the wee hours of the morning anywhere without anything happening to them. Crimes are rare. In other words, the Japanese are naive about any sort of danger and here we are in the Philippines living with the constant threat of death. I mean come on, this shouldn't be happening at all! Being taught about trying to be unpredictable in college isn't encouraging a well-lived life at all.

I would like to believe this is all not true. I would like to believe that the Philippines is a wonderful country PERIOD. I know how blessed it is with natural wonders but put in an unsustainable population and a useless pathetic corrupt government and you have what I'd like to call an unfortunate beauty. To see is to believe, others would say, but in this case, nobody would dare without his or her life being threatened. That's just the way it is here. I can't find any other to blame but the government. What are they really doing with all those fancy ranks and titles anyway? Selfish gits.

I could be very wrong about this. I might've interpreted things the wrong way or what but I just wanted to put this down. I am heartbroken about the ineptitude of our leaders right now. Those who try to break the norm gets murdered. Those who know better are afraid. There are those young ones I know who can do great things and we can't wait for those in positions now to die and be replaced by them. The waves may still be calm, but the earthquake has already happened within many of us. The tsunami of change will follow soon. Time for me is running out. I want to see a country free from nega vibes (lol) but I don't think it will happen in my lifetime. I do not want to be just a spectator to the movement for change. I too will help with the push, but only in the far corner of my field of work.hehe

I need to make sense of everything pa..lol

Earthquakes: Literally and Figuratively

Everyday, there is always one relatively strong quake that happens. In the past few days, earthquakes have become my alarm clock. They shake just at that moment when I'm cradling the boundary of consciousness and deep slumber. One shook the whole of me again today. Sometimes it starts as a strong jolt and goes on as a smooth, paced movement and fades silently into undetectable tremors. You will know there is still an earthquake if you steady your head on the wall and observe a half-opened closet door, swing slowly back and forth. At other times, it begins like the small shivers I frequently felt back in the Philippines, and then it gradually builds into that strong and steady quake. I am all used to it now after going through hundreds of aftershocks after that big one on that afternoon of the 11th of March.

Funny story. One time, Mark wanted to ask his Japanese roommate something but his roommate was still asleep. Mark decided to wake him up. Having not grown-up in Japan, he didn't realize how his next action was not the best thing to do in that circumstance. So, without any mischief in mind, he shook his roommates bed to wake him up. His roommate sprang from the bed at lightning speed thinking that an earthquake shook his bed. He looked up and realized Mark was standing in front of his bed with a shocked face, a very surprised face. Mark, innocent at this point, was taken aback. He didn't know what he just did merited a weird reaction like that until he realized he was in Japan and earthquakes are sort of imprinted in everybody's minds. His poor Japanese roommate's soul probably took flight then and there. haha Tsk tsk, or should I say, tut tut.This would never happen anywhere else in the world.

Enough about earthquakes. There's been a greater calamity happening here in Japan and it's not the danger of a radiation leak. Neither is it an impending tsunami. It lies nestled inside my chest, heavy and lost.

This isn't about my big J post or anything. In fact, I have recovered from that already. Just today, I realized how pathetic it was for me to be jealous when I was the one who wanted to break up. I still regret doing it but it is done. She has moved on and I should do the same. And I SHOULD feel happy for her new relationship. I still look back at our relationship and it was beautiful. She was beautiful, even more so today.

I am ambitious. I can't quite emphasize this fact enough. I am by no means the best at anything but I have that drive and passion to pursue what I want. Or at least that's what I think. In a few days, I will know if I have reached another milestone in my university life. A good chunk of my passion is traveling and as cliche as it may sound, I want to see the world. For me to do this, I have to work hard for it and this means taking a lot of my energy and a significant part of my life and channel them solely to achieving what I want to achieve for myself. Writing that down, I feel like it sounds a bit selfish but well, One's gotta do something in his life. Another thing I see that I must give up: the constant presence of the familiar, of the people I love. And this also means a girlfriend. I can't make myself force anybody to be with me all the time to everywhere I might go in the near future. Especially that they also have dreams of their own.

But for today, it just sucks.

I Hear Them

I just had to write down some things in my mind. I’ve been translating many interviews from Tagalog into English about the comfort women during the Second World War.

The way she talks about what happened to her is so vivid. She talks about it in present form, and it’s as if her gaze goes far beyond the ruins of Fort Santiago. She becomes transported to those days where she was a captive by the Japanese military men for 6 months. She was raped, everyday. Sometimes up to 6 men would take turns raping her. She called them salbahe. They would just be laughing around her, watching as one guy made his way in her. There was nothing she could do. She wanted to fight back, I saw that strong will in her in the interview, but it could mean death if she did. She kept repeating how the Japanese men were little men. But she was afraid they would drag her to death. And they forced her to watch as they tortured her husband. She gave gruesome details about it. She said they struck his husband’s face with the bayonet, slashing his face in half.

And the way she talks about it, you could feel that it really did happen and she was there, but she just ticked these details off when asked. She was very old. She said something like how she grew old like this, and said she even wanted to just die. It was heartbreaking. And in all of this, she is just asking for justice. That’s all, like many of the comfort women out there. I look at her eyes and see the life she had then. There is no trace of giving up in her gaze, but of resolve. She would look around her and then say something like it was there were they piled up the Filipinos they killed. Or it was here where they tied my husband by the feet and tortured him. She had seen so much and yet I am still to comprehend what she went through.

I cringe in the details these women have said. There is this whole other side most people do not know about the war and I get front row seats to hear them from the primary sources.

She got it Right

"Children deprived of love will dwell on magic."


by Barbara Kingsolver 


in Animal Dreams

big J

It's not because of the recent tragedies that befell Japan that I wasn't able to blog in the past couple of weeks (although it has been sort of the reason for the past few days). Rather,I traveled and still am traveling extensively throughout much of the southern half of Japan and lucky for me I chose this part of the country to travel around, otherwise if I went up north, I would still be in an evacuation shelter or worse, I would've been flown home which I dread.

Right now, I'm all alone in the room spending my time to reintroduce myself to the things I missed doing when classes were still on. And now that I have a 6 week long spring break to do whatever the hell I want, I chose to spend it around the Kansai and Chugoku areas of Nihon. I was only supposed to spend 10 days of travel, but thanks in part to the, wait for it, Great Tohoku earthquake and the ensuing tsunami and radiation scare, I immediately came back here in Hiroshima after my return to Tokyo as it was incredibly tense up there with the many unknown things that could happen at any second. Just for the record, I am not fleeing and I am not saying that Tokyo is as dangerous as how the stupid blabber-mouthed attitude of the media is trying portray the tragedy, but it is spring break and I intend to travel as much as my funds allow. Not that I have a lot, the tragedy has already taken a toll on my financial security. :(

Nonetheless, it has been a worthwhile experience. I was luckily miles away when the earth's crust slid past each other and displaced Japan a few meters to the east. I was at the Hiroshima peace memorial museum the moment it struck, and I only found out a few minutes later when my mom called all the way from the Philippines asking me how I was. What she told me sounded unbelievable at that time. She said that an earthquake struck in Japan, and that there already was a raging tsunami meters high. In the middle of the sad museum, she told me that. Of course I didn't believe her immediately. Moms often have the tendency to exaggerate things when hysterical, so I politely accepted what she said and assured her I was 100% alright and safe. That night in the hostel, I was flooded with images in the news of toppling offices and raging waters. Things I thought that only happened in movies  can actually happen in real life, and that my mom was actually telling the truth. But enough of that. That's not what's bothering me much now. There are more..

I just learned something that broke my heart. I will not divulge the specifics. I thought it would be okay. Turns out I'm jealous when I shouldn't be.

Just this for now. I'll think about the rest first before posting them here.




Fuck this feeling.